Poppa's balloons

Grief. This is an unfamiliar road. Add to this unfamiliar road is the fact that we have 3 small girls along on the ride. There is no manual, more questions than answers and the reality that everyone grieves differently. Its hard to even know where to start this blog post, yet I feel that I must post, I need to include these pictures, our memories, this time....because this is our life. Right now, this is the sad/not sunny/wish-I-had-any-other-event-to-write about part of our family's story.

February 3, 2014. Monday. A call from a man who worked with Poppa for many years. There had been an accident- 1 car, Poppa's truck and a loaded log truck; unfortunately Poppa's truck had been hit by both and he instantly went to be with Jesus.

Each of the girls responded differently to the news.

Ella, she is our thinker. She immediately started realizing the impact this would have on life. Poppa would not go camping with us this summer. She hadn't seen Poppa this year, 2014; we last saw him the end of December, which in reality is last year. (It makes it sound so much longer ago than it really was, but she is literal and correct.) It was the quiet down moments in bed when Ella's grief overtook her. Ella also became very sad when she realized that Poppa would miss Valentine's Day (hence Poppa's balloon).

Aubrey, she is our deal-with-the-emotion-and-move-on personality. Aubrey just sat, looked around as her eyes welled up. She didn't have the words to express the thoughts in her head. The only way she could express herself was to say "I've never had this much sadness in my heart before." (You are so right Aubrey. None of us have ever had this much sadness in our hearts.) After the first day, she looked for ways to remember Poppa. "OH! Poppa liked water. Every time I drink water I will remember Poppa!" She saw a random man at Costco and immediately was drawn to his belt buckle. It had an eagle on it, just like Poppa she noticed! It had never occurred to me that at her size, Poppa's belt buckle was probably his most defining characteristic =)

Ainsley, she is our innocent soul. How do you explain to a toddler? She is the one I worried about most. How would I possibly answer her when she walked into grandma's house and asked for Poppa? What can you say to help her understand? I'm so thankful that she somehow just 'understood.' Its been one month, and to this day she has never asked for Poppa. She still knows who he is, she will point him out in pictures, she knows that it is his trailer parked at their house, but somehow, in the course of our talking about the accident, she understands that Poppa is no longer here. Forever, we referred to them as Grandma & Poppa; it was a synonymous phrase. In the week preparing to go down for the service, we began telling the girls we were going to Grandma Marian's. Instantly, Ainsley switched and began saying "Grandma Marian" in place of all times we would have said 'Grandma & Poppa;'she knew it was a 2-word phrase so this was a logical replacement. I am in awe of how this works and so thankful that I wasn't left trying to find the words.

Me. I'm familiar with other families grief, I work in a setting where this tragic day strikes families often. But I haven't had to walk this road myself. I found that most of the time I would let the tears fall, but it was in the process of helping my girls. My heart broke for me, but my heart breaks more for them. I wanted them to have Poppa longer. It pains me to the deepest part of my heart that Ainsley will never have her own memories of him, she will have our stories, she will have pictures but she will not hold the same special place in her heart for him that the rest of us have. Being so wrapped up in helping them, the grief will hit me in those quiet moments lying in bed when the thoughts become overwhelming.

With tragic accidents, there is no chance to say goodbye. No one last moments to squeeze in. Ella hated the idea that Poppa would miss Valentine's Day, so she wanted to send him a valentine on a balloon. It was a beautiful idea that broke my heart because she wanted to know if he would send her a valentine back.

I have to chuckle at Ella's valentine. As she was writing it, she asked how to spell "poppa." Courtney tells her "papa" while I say "poppa." Turns out Poppa spelled it "poppa" while Grandma Marian spells is "papa" so Ella included both spellings just to make sure that that it was correct!!

Another amazing moment: We explained to the kids how we would release the balloons all together. After we let go of the balloons, not one single kid  cried or wanted their balloons back, not even Kolby or Ainsley. We had our own special family moment of sending Poppa our love, all together, one last time.

We didn't plan to do it at sunset, but it made for a beautiful backdrop.

Family. We definitely have grown closer and held onto one another a little tighter this past month.

Everyone stood practically in the same place where we released the balloons until they were out of sight.

Thank you Laura for sharing your wonderful talent and capturing this moment so beautifully. I L.O.V.E. this picture!

While my heart breaks a little more each time I think of the memories these faces won't get to create with Poppa, I'm also so grateful that each one of them got to know him. I'm thankful for getting to watch Poppa bond and love on my girls. I'm thankful that because of them we have extra special memories with Poppa.

Valentines Day was unfortunately just the beginning of the 1sts we will have to endure and learn the new normal without Poppa. We definitely are still at the beginning of the road. Life will never be the same but fortunately we are all forever changed because of Poppa.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." -Winnie the Pooh

Instalife..... February edition

This February post is heavy-hearted. The month of love left us missing our very special and beloved Poppa. I have a whole post I want to do, remembering everything about him but I don't know if I'm quite ready yet...

Can you guess who the master photographer of this Instagram pic was? LOL

Ainsley is growing up so fast! She has a HUGE vocabulary and is so willing to try and learn new things. Here you can see how well she is at getting herself dressed. Yes, she already had pajamas on. Yes, the orange article of clothing on the left is Ella's undies. Yes, she put a shirt on as pants. But, "Ainsley do it!"

This picture mean so SO much to the girls and I. It is the perfect way we want to remember Poppa. Lots of smiles and love! He loved the fact that he finally had some bright blue-eyed grandbabies and often called them his "blue-eyed devils!"

Digging through photos for Poppa's service uncovered this gem. Aren't you jealous of my 4th grade fashionista style? And I mean, those bangs....that takes skill ;-) Good thing I love you so much Poppa, otherwise I think I would have refrained from sharing this side of myself with the world =0

So bittersweet! Saying goodbye to Poppa was so hard. Looking at these sweet faces fills me with so much sadness that they weren't able to have him around just a little bit longer. But we are so so grateful that they all knew him and loved him!

This picture makes me think of A Christmas Story where he gets so bundled up he can't move his arms, then starts flapping around saying "But I have to go to the bathroom!"

What is cuter than Ainsley as a ladybug? Ainsley as a ladybug roller skating for the 1st time!!! She will not be left out of anything fun. After about 3/4 of a lap (half with mom helping, half doing it all by herself) she says "Ainsley all done roller skating. Ainsley fall down!" Good thing she wore her bug costume, at least it had a little extra padding in the back ;-)

While Grandma was up visiting, she was able to keep Ainsley so I could go on Aubrey's field trip to the dentist!

Some days, it feels as if you never get caught up before then next thing demands your attention. I had just finished vacuuming and heard a loud crash. In the utility room, I found the light fixture had just randomly fell from the ceiling shattering A.L.L. over the entire room! At least I hadn't put the vacuum away....

2 days, 2 cute dates, 2 straws covered in whipped cream...I am one lucky momma to get to spend special time with each one of these girls!

My heart is full!!!

Sunshine and riding 2 wheels! Go Aubrey go!!!!

Insta-life January

January means Girl Scout cookie sales!!

After we came home from Riddle, our dishwasher decided it was worn out. Given that we had just put money into fixing a part last year, we starting thinking this may be a pattern we didn't want to pay for. We were able to find a year-end clearanced dishwasher that would be delivered the next morning. In preparation of not having to wash dishes by hand another day, I let the dishes from the morning and lunch pile up. And then....the new dishwasher didn't work! AAHHH! Thankfully Neal came to the rescue and tackled this massive pile of dishes =)

Well our new dishwasher required a new control board, so that meant another week of washing dishes. I tried to be deliberately grateful for these 4 mouths to feed and enough food to keep their bellies full, with every dish I washed!

Daddy's workout crew! Pushing that load around will definitely burn a few calories!!

Sadness and taking time to reflect on each blessing in our life has reminded me to s.l.o.w. d.o.w.n, embrace each snuggle and enjoy these moments, because a moment can be so fleeting.

Ainsley has discovered how to take her own pictures and post them to Instagram! If you ever are curious what the world to a 20 month old who is trying to be sneaky with mom's phone looks like....well now you know!!

A little late...Christmastime photos

So much to say, so many reason...instead of going into each one of them, I'm going to focus on sharing the wonderful memories we captured from Christmastime. When I go back through the photos, I always realize that we only captured a small portion of the memories, but we will be grateful for each photo and each moment!

Christmas eve- treats for Santa and the reindeer; Kerner Christmas 2013

Kerner tradition- Christmas morning on the stairs

Reading the story of Christmas; Ainsley's stocking is almost as big as her! Ella loves her gifts.

So full of expressions!! Thank you G-G for the purses =)

 Christmas in Riddle was extra special this year! Everyone came over for the 1st time in a long time; Uncle Sam, Aunt Shannon, Porter, Wyatt, Auntie P, Zoey, Uncle Patrick and his girlfriend Mindy, Grandma Bernice, dad, and the 5 of us! Lots of gifts, lots of people, lots of wonderful smiles and memories!!!

Ainsley quickly loved Mindy. She sat with Mindy reading books most of the morning =)

Aubrey- 4 1/2, Wyatt- 4 1/2, Porter 5 1/2, Ainsley- 20 months, Zoey- 8, Ella- 7

I love everything about this picture! A lot of time and a lot of distance has brought us to this point and I am so happy to call each one of these people my family!

Going to see Mickey Mouse!

Its the happiest place on earth....with Christmas lights!!! Lets be honest, I was just as excited as the kids were to go to Disneyland. Once Neal and I began the idea of going to Disneyland, I instantly chose a date when I would be able to see Sleeping Beauty's castle covered with lights! Unfortunately for us, we chose the one week that California barely touched 60 degrees and we even had a day of rain, but it didn't damper our fun.

Luigi's flying tires in California Adventure

I L.O.V.E. this picture! You can see how much fun Ella and Aubrey are having dancing in the street in Radiator Springs. As a parent, watching them dancing and now almost 2 months later looking at the pictures, these memories are priceless!

Ainsley did her dancing in the street from the comfort of her stroller while standing on dirty baby ;-)

 

We learned a few lessons from our 1st trip to Disneyland. The biggest lesson learned was that you will wait LONGER to see characters than most rides. Who knew??? This time, we added a character meal to our itinerary and it was worth every penny! Having a princess come to your table and asking "What is your name princess? Would you like to take a picture with me?" is probably the coolest thing you can fathom when you are 4 and 7 =) We scheduled our lunch with Ariel for the very 1st day we were at Disney so that the girls would get their character fill right off and save ourselves lots of time in line ;-)

Welcomed by Ariel herself!

Belle and Snow White

Cinderella

Sleeping Beauty. Notice this is the only princess that we could get Ainsley to focus for ;-)

Our second lesson was to buy the photo pass. This saved us time and headache as we wrangled 3 children while capturing as many memories as possible. Last time we tried handing over our camera, but if the setting wasn't quite right, the photo pass people didn't have the time nor were they probably allowed to adjust our camera settings. Seeing all the pictures we got, plus the fun borders we were able to add made the photo pass a fun souvenir.

Ainsley was so fun to watch with the characters. She ran up to Pooh, who was hiding behind the Christmas tree waiting for us. Well then she decided she should hide behind the tree too ;-)

Beautiful castle!! There is always more to learn. We stayed the first evening in Disneyland (Thursday) to watch the fireworks because they started at 7:30 instead of 9:30. We did not realize, however, that the castle is only lit up after the fireworks and we didn't stay at 7:30 our a picture =( I became that mom!I really wanted a picture in front of the castle all lit up. Saturday night, our last night in the park we napped so that the kids would be more likely to make it til 9:30 for the fireworks. It was beautiful, yay for fireworks! Then we turned into salmon swimming upstream while holding a sleeping baby, corralling 2 other children while daddy pushes a stroller head-on into the masses. Finally we make it to the roped off area in front of the castle where the photo pass people are setting up. Trying not to seem impatient or pushy, I ask them how exactly this process works for the pictures. Well, we have to wait until all of the fireworks are cleaned up from the castle....only about 30 more minutes :-0 In the end, the nice photo pass man must have felt some love for us because he told the masses gathered around the rope that the line for photos would begin behind ME!!! Thank you kind photo man for helping my photo dream come true =)

California Screamin' was Ella's favorite ride! This was the one ride Aubrey wasn't quite big enough for. And a nice setup for a holiday photo!

Radiator Springs ride and a few more family photos.

Nice photo pass man even allowed us to do a couple of different shots in front of the castle! Ella and Aubrey were such good sports; you would never know that moments before they were begging to please just go back to the hotel!!

Its Mickey Mouse!

Ella and Ainsley loving Pooh.

Ainsley was SO EXCITED to see Mickey Mouse and have him sign her book.

Splash mountain- 6 times for Aubrey!! I love that we were the only ones in our boat, no random guys large head in these pictures!!

Welcome to Pixie Hollow! Tinkerbell is always a favorite.

Can you believe how fancy the Minnie ears are now? I just love Aubrey's choice. It definitely fits her =)

Ella chose the fanciest of ears, only the finest for the princess herself! Hers had a crown and a veil!

This face sums up the fun we had!

Its a small world

We were able to meet up with Grandma and Grandpa Dodge for lunch!

This made me laugh as I was editing pictures. We had the top picture in a frame in our family room. As I was editing pictures from this trip, I noticed Neal is wearing the exact same shirt almost 4 years apart on the same ride ;-) LOL!! And wow, Ella looks the same but so completely different- such a beautiful young lady she is.

 Okay, I could post even more pictures but I'll refrain. After getting home, it occurred to me that probably the best part of this trip is that as parents we spent 4 days completely focused on the girls and making these wonderful memories. A coworker said it perfectly the other day, "we need more memories and less stuff!" This trip was full of memories!!!