Poppa's balloons

Grief. This is an unfamiliar road. Add to this unfamiliar road is the fact that we have 3 small girls along on the ride. There is no manual, more questions than answers and the reality that everyone grieves differently. Its hard to even know where to start this blog post, yet I feel that I must post, I need to include these pictures, our memories, this time....because this is our life. Right now, this is the sad/not sunny/wish-I-had-any-other-event-to-write about part of our family's story.

February 3, 2014. Monday. A call from a man who worked with Poppa for many years. There had been an accident- 1 car, Poppa's truck and a loaded log truck; unfortunately Poppa's truck had been hit by both and he instantly went to be with Jesus.

Each of the girls responded differently to the news.

Ella, she is our thinker. She immediately started realizing the impact this would have on life. Poppa would not go camping with us this summer. She hadn't seen Poppa this year, 2014; we last saw him the end of December, which in reality is last year. (It makes it sound so much longer ago than it really was, but she is literal and correct.) It was the quiet down moments in bed when Ella's grief overtook her. Ella also became very sad when she realized that Poppa would miss Valentine's Day (hence Poppa's balloon).

Aubrey, she is our deal-with-the-emotion-and-move-on personality. Aubrey just sat, looked around as her eyes welled up. She didn't have the words to express the thoughts in her head. The only way she could express herself was to say "I've never had this much sadness in my heart before." (You are so right Aubrey. None of us have ever had this much sadness in our hearts.) After the first day, she looked for ways to remember Poppa. "OH! Poppa liked water. Every time I drink water I will remember Poppa!" She saw a random man at Costco and immediately was drawn to his belt buckle. It had an eagle on it, just like Poppa she noticed! It had never occurred to me that at her size, Poppa's belt buckle was probably his most defining characteristic =)

Ainsley, she is our innocent soul. How do you explain to a toddler? She is the one I worried about most. How would I possibly answer her when she walked into grandma's house and asked for Poppa? What can you say to help her understand? I'm so thankful that she somehow just 'understood.' Its been one month, and to this day she has never asked for Poppa. She still knows who he is, she will point him out in pictures, she knows that it is his trailer parked at their house, but somehow, in the course of our talking about the accident, she understands that Poppa is no longer here. Forever, we referred to them as Grandma & Poppa; it was a synonymous phrase. In the week preparing to go down for the service, we began telling the girls we were going to Grandma Marian's. Instantly, Ainsley switched and began saying "Grandma Marian" in place of all times we would have said 'Grandma & Poppa;'she knew it was a 2-word phrase so this was a logical replacement. I am in awe of how this works and so thankful that I wasn't left trying to find the words.

Me. I'm familiar with other families grief, I work in a setting where this tragic day strikes families often. But I haven't had to walk this road myself. I found that most of the time I would let the tears fall, but it was in the process of helping my girls. My heart broke for me, but my heart breaks more for them. I wanted them to have Poppa longer. It pains me to the deepest part of my heart that Ainsley will never have her own memories of him, she will have our stories, she will have pictures but she will not hold the same special place in her heart for him that the rest of us have. Being so wrapped up in helping them, the grief will hit me in those quiet moments lying in bed when the thoughts become overwhelming.

With tragic accidents, there is no chance to say goodbye. No one last moments to squeeze in. Ella hated the idea that Poppa would miss Valentine's Day, so she wanted to send him a valentine on a balloon. It was a beautiful idea that broke my heart because she wanted to know if he would send her a valentine back.

I have to chuckle at Ella's valentine. As she was writing it, she asked how to spell "poppa." Courtney tells her "papa" while I say "poppa." Turns out Poppa spelled it "poppa" while Grandma Marian spells is "papa" so Ella included both spellings just to make sure that that it was correct!!

Another amazing moment: We explained to the kids how we would release the balloons all together. After we let go of the balloons, not one single kid  cried or wanted their balloons back, not even Kolby or Ainsley. We had our own special family moment of sending Poppa our love, all together, one last time.

We didn't plan to do it at sunset, but it made for a beautiful backdrop.

Family. We definitely have grown closer and held onto one another a little tighter this past month.

Everyone stood practically in the same place where we released the balloons until they were out of sight.

Thank you Laura for sharing your wonderful talent and capturing this moment so beautifully. I L.O.V.E. this picture!

While my heart breaks a little more each time I think of the memories these faces won't get to create with Poppa, I'm also so grateful that each one of them got to know him. I'm thankful for getting to watch Poppa bond and love on my girls. I'm thankful that because of them we have extra special memories with Poppa.

Valentines Day was unfortunately just the beginning of the 1sts we will have to endure and learn the new normal without Poppa. We definitely are still at the beginning of the road. Life will never be the same but fortunately we are all forever changed because of Poppa.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." -Winnie the Pooh